On Being Human

Sometimes I really hate being back in my hometown. It has made problems and conflicts that have lain dormant for quite some time arise… the strained relation with my mom and others, for one. It has been a long time since I have had someone tell me to “be human”…. quite a long time.

Perhaps this is why Data is my favorite Star Trek character, both of us are trying to learn what it actually means to be “human”. He has the advantage of being an android, though, and having physical proof and reminder that he is not human. As for me, I’m physically and mentally human… people just tell me I’m not, consistently… I don’t know what they want.

I some ways I understand that the people who tell me this are generally “warmer” people, who value relationships and closeness and affirmation of care. These are people who can’t separate “relationships” and “people” in their minds, which is something I can never understand as an overly analytical “cold” person. When I don’t give my mom random hugs like my brother, or call friends to hang out or something, they take it as me affectively saying “I don’t care” about them, which is not totally true. Yes, I have strong nihilistic and misanthropic tendencies, but this does not mean I do not assign personal value to relationships with specific people, I just treat the topic of friendship and human interaction very differently than “warmer” people. I’m less likely to show “love” or “care” (as they define it) and more likely to show “respect”, which I value at a very high level. Is this what denies me the status of “human”?

They also tell me I’m “cold” in a derogatory way. I know I’m “cold” relatively. That’s a fact. Its not like I’m offended by this, or surprised. I dislike human contact and don’t get very close to people. I’m a pathological Myers-Briggs “IN” (introverted introspective) and thus get wrapped up in my own thoughts and shy away from people. Its just my personality and a sort of fault I have. Though honestly, I don’t care much to change it because I’ve accepted who I am and how I act, and actually… like it. If I didn’t I’d work on my extroversion a bit and make active steps to better myself, as I have in other fields.

I’m also more likely to value people based on my own scale. Unfortunately for some, I do not automatically place family at the top of that scale. I see no reason that genetics or bloodline should determine the value of someone in my life. Interestingly this goes against standard animal behavior and the “selfish gene” theory. Maybe this is part of what makes me not “human”, because I don’t carry the instinct to preserve my genes? I don’t even really want offspring.

I also don’t value people based on the amount of time we’ve known each other, which also seems to be a problem for some. I still “know” a lot of kids I went to kindergarten with, and do not value or care for them at all. So what? I am actually trying to get away from the people I used to know, I have no desire to continue to associate with them. Does the act of not valuing the relationships of people I have known count against me?

It is also worth bringing up the separation between value of relationship and person that I make in my mind. Just because I have no desire for a relationship with you does not mean you “are not a valuable person”. Thats total bullshit. I may be a misanthrope, but I’d have to also be a moron to suggest that a person does not have “value” simply because I do not desire to have or maintain a relationship with them. It is hard for me to form relationships with people, anyway. I prefer to do and talk about certain things, I’m not interested in small talk or gossip. It seems as though a lot of people are held together by one or both of these things. My current job is a good example of this, people there have sort of friend and acquaintance groups that stand around and chat and gossip, and sometimes the other members come into the store to hang out. Pretty much all they do is gossip, gossip, gossip. After a while, I don’t care who’s dating who or how long you’ve been without a boyfriend or how hard you’re going to party tonight, just wrap your fucking silverware (so I don’t have to) and get your food out to the customers. This doesn’t mean there aren’t tolerable people there, of course, or “valuable” ones, just that I have no desire to go beyond a coworker-coworker relationship. The same stands in school. Granted, I have found people at college to be “friends” with, but this more directly relates to high school, and because I’m back in this abyss, its all that exists for me here–history and a past I’ve been trying to put behind me. I have considered school to be a “job” for long time, and regard my classmates as my coworkers, and usually treat the as such. So what? Is this something that counts against my “humanity”?

Ultimately, what does it mean to really be “human” anyway? I have asked this of myself countless times, and contemplation of this subject has actually kept me up nights. Is it enough to dwell inside the shell of flesh and bone? Is it necessary to be something “more”? What “more” is there? Is there a set “more”? A prescribed way of thinking, acting, and feeling that defines “human”, or can there be multiple definitions of such an abstract concept? Personally I view “humans” as creatures taking a specific bipedal form with certain unique characteristics such as freedom of thought and action through awareness of a distinct and unique “self”. But… my definition does not encompass what other people’s definitions seem to, and I fall short. I know I am “human” in a transcendental sense. I know I am, otherwise I would not have spent the past, I dunno, hour and a half contemplating the topic. I have to be, what else could I be? A beast? A monster? A demon? Absurd. So why do people tell me I am not human…

I have spent too much time believing that there is something “wrong” with me and too much energy and will overcoming that horrible handicap to my psyche to let coming back to this hellhole lapse me back into that mindset. I refuse to question my “humanity” again because some offended touchy-feely types don’t understand or disagree with my line of thought.

~ by Anath on June 24, 2008.